Wednesday, 1 April 2009

10,000 B.C.

Hi guys! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. Have you all missed me?

Of course you have.

Why haven’t I posted? Well, the main reason is simply that I haven’t seen too many awful movies lately. Really. I was just on a really good run there for a bit. I even watched some movies that OTHER people said sucked eggs, and I ended up thinking they were ok. Maybe not masterpieces, but not “Grenade”-able either.

And then last night I watched 10,000 B.C.

Holy mother of all things Good! How can a major movie studio make a movie this bad?

I honestly don’t even know where to begin.

I CAN tell you that if you were hoping to learn ANY kind of history from this movie, you can just stop hoping right now. This movie is SO historically inaccurate that it’s laughable.

Where to start?

10,000 B.C. tells the story of a supposed prehistoric tribe, living in what looks to be the Ice Age. The earth must have evolved pretty damn fast for the ice age to have been only 12,000 years ago! And we’ve also apparently gotten a HELL of a lot uglier since our caveman days….. every single person in this tribe has perfect Bob-Marley dreadlocks and super-model good looks and physiques. It must be our diet.

Anyway, while the tribe is out hunting Wooly Mammoths (really), they get attacked by dinosaur birds (fucking really), while another tribe attacks them and enslaves most of their people.

So, the few free cavemen left band together to free their people. During their trek, they encounter a Sabertooth Tiger (really), cross a desert (really), where they find the people who attacked them are Egyptians building a pyramid (can I just stop with the “really”s now?). The Egyptians have sailboats, maps, astronomy tools, winches for building, and more wooly mammoths. That’s right… mammoths….in the desert.

It seemed like this movie was written by a 10 year old, who wanted to just throw everything he thought would look cool, into one movie. At any moment I was expecting to see a Sherman Tank roll by, or Will Smith in a black suit shooting down a spaceship. At that point, why the Hell not?

There’s nothing more I can say about this hot mess of a film.

Don’t make the same mistake I did and waste 2 hours of your life on it.


Heff said...

Sounds kind of like "Apocalypto", but SHITTY.

Slyde said...

heff, thats funny you mention apocalypto.....

the entire time while i was watching this movie, i kept thinking that this was like a grade school production of apocalypto...

Bruce said...

You are telling me ther was no Ark or great flood in this movie.....what the frick is that all about.....and the Druids.....where were the Druids????

Faiqa said...

I decided not to watch this movie because the title implies that the Earth is more than 6,000 years old. Which we all know is total bullshit. Damned scientists.

B.E. Earl said...

Well, mankind has experienced an Ice Age or two. The last great Ice Age peaked around 20,000 years ago but the Earf (Will Smith-style) was still in a glacial period 10,000 years ago.

That aside...I hear ya. The dino-birds alone blinded me with their science. I shall not watch.

Slyde said...

bruce: there MIGHT have been an ark in one of the backgrounds somewhere.. it was hard to tell with all the elephants running about

faiqa: lol...ok, im with ya.. its bullshit.

earl: please dont. it will hurt.

i am the diva said...

really, the trailers led you to believe there would be a LOT of sabre tooth tiger action...


It's like a bigger, lamer version of braveheart

my biggest pet peeve was everyone's pearly white teef (Will Smith Style) even MY teeth aren't that blinding white and i have modern technologies like DENTISTS and TOOTHBRUSHES and WHITENING TOOTH PASTES

Brian said...

Thanks for the insight. I was going to either watch this movie or dip my ball sack in hot tar, now I know the right thing to do.