Sunday, 5 April 2009

Seven Pounds... of Boring

This weekend, I watched Seven Pounds.

I thought I’d start with an impromptu review of the movie in real time.

Ready? Here we go:

00:00:15
They just started the movie by telling me what happens at the end. Hate that.


00:02:07
OK. Will Smith. Dripping wet. Shirt. Is. Off. This film has promise.

00:02:09
Annd he put his shirt back on. Crushing disappointment ensues.

00:07:23
Is that Woody Harrelson? I don’t remember him having bad teeth.

00:13:31
Hey! That’s the cute thug guy from Barbershop. I hope they show more of him.

00:19:45
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I'm officially interested in this movie.

00:22:52
The first and only time Will Smith smiles in this movie.

00:35:50
A jellyfish? WTF?

00:44:50
Quote, “You’re a good man even when you don’t know people are watching you.”

00:53:19
Dying or not, I would never call a guy first. Just saying.

1:20:00
OK. Now I know what he’s up to. But, why, man, why?!!

1:32:03
So bored. Where is that hottie from Barbershop?

1:45:30
Could have done without the last 30 minutes of this movie. I'm officially uninterested.

1:46:00
I will never, ever text message while driving. Ever. Ever. Again.

1:57:02
Too hormonal ... Oh my God, he hugged her. [Indistinct pregnant woman blubber].

2:02:52
TWO HOURS?! Bastards. I feel violated.

...

I know, right? It was like being there. Now, get your feet off of my coffee table.

By the way, did I mention that I’m a member of a small group of women known as the Society of Women Who Are Completely Annoyed By Sappy Love Story Movies (you may know us as SWWACABSLSM)?

While we’re not known for our talent for coming up with short names for societies, we are global.

Seven Pounds is about the internal struggle of a man attempting to fulfill a self imposed need for redemption. The tension, then, rests not on events that are happening in the film, but upon the emotional tension created within the film’s main character.

In other words, this movie could not have been any slower unless it had been a two hour shot of a Will Smith drinking a cup of decaf coffee at Starbucks.

Even the brilliant, talented and exceedingly hot Will Smith could not erase the feeling that the studio that made this movie has unfairly sucked two precious hours out of my life that I will never get back.

The Seven Pounds DVD has a ton of special features, including a director’s commentary, “Seven Views on Seven Pounds” (where everyone but the caterers discuss the making of the movie), “Creating the Perfect Ensemble” (narrated by the casting director) and some deleted scenes.

I didn’t bother to watch any of these because, frankly, I found the movie boring and slightly irritating.

And the last thing I want to do is watch a feature on the making of boring and slightly irritating.

And, finally, out of respect for those who hate spoilers, I'll be brief and cryptic.

With respect to the overall plot, I'm not a big fan of guilt or self flagellation. No matter how awful the consequences of your actions might be, a simple and sincere "sorry" on the part of the main character might have sufficed. There's no reason to go overboard.

:: Now waiting for Will Smith's apology... or, at the very least, a showing of guilt ::

So, I won't hold my breath.

15 comments:

Avitable said...

I'm impressed that you stuck with it for the whole length of the movie!

Miss Britt said...

Hmmmm.... I'm debating whether to watch it now.

Because I am the PRESIDENT of The Girls Who Love Silly Sappy Love Story Movies. (You probably know us as TGWLSSLSM.)

New York City's Watchdog said...

I just want to see the jellyfish kill him. The other 2:01:30 can go to the cutting room floor.

And they actually thought this was Oscar worthy. Delusional.

B.E. Earl said...

Wait? This was on DVD already? I didn't even know it was ever in the theaters! I saw a commercial for it last night and it looks....yawwwwwnnnnnnnnn. Sorry, but I think you said everything I need to know about it.

Thanks.

Finn said...

Can anybody tell me what the f*&k the title means? Anyone?

I know several people who have seen this, but no one seems to know. It's killing me. Seriously.

I could care less about the movie.

Faiqa said...

@Avitable: Smart ass.

@Miss Britt: LOL. I have heard of that association... I think you were the ones that suckered me into reading/watching Twilight.

@New York City's Watchdog: On the coolness scale I give that scene 5/10.

@B.E. Earl: Yeah, "yaawn" would have been an excellent ad far more concise review, too.

@Finn: I'm assuming that the title refers to Shylock from the Merchant of Venice... he demands seven pounds of flesh as payment for an uncollected debt. And, OMG, if that's right, I am the bomb because I did not even use google to check up on myslf. :)

badgerdaddy said...

I thought you used dollars in America, not pounds.

B.E. Earl said...

Faiqa - you are right about the title. Smartie.

Faiqa said...

@badgerdaddy: We've actually started using pebbles. We're in a recession, you know.

@B.E. Earl: I love being right. Especially about Shakespeare. Oh, and thanks for pimping this post on your blog... wait... :D

sybil law said...

I am not only a client of SWWACABSLSM - I'm also a member!
(Never even heard of this movie. guess now I know why!)

hello haha narf said...

i love your movie reviews. although i still might watch this one. love me some will smith. maybe i will turn down the volume and just look at him?

Faiqa said...

@sybil law: I hope nobody catches on to the fact that Sybil and I are the same person pretending to be two people... they might think that I'm... I mean, *we're* crazy ...

@hello haha narf: His performance was outstanding, and he was in a hot love scene. If you love the Will, you should see it.

B.E. Earl said...

Um, like, um...I've totally got a tab for this blog on top of my blog. What more would you like me to do? (Sorry...I forgot)

Faiqa said...

Earl, A tab? Oh, is that what those are for... anyway, I was kidding. ;)

Poppy said...

Seriously, as soon as Dawg told me the end I never needed to see it.

I enjoy Will Smith... but, nope.