Saturday, 28 March 2009


Ever gone to a high end restaurant, had a lovely meal and decide to order the $25 cheesecake?

OK, good, so we’re all on the same page about this.

The $25 cheesecake gets to your table, you take a bite and, suddenly, you realize that you’ve been had. Because the $25 cheesecake? Tastes like frozen Sara Lee nastiness.

You keep eating, hoping, praying that somewhere, somehow, you’re going to hit that $25 bite.

No way, though. It’s over. The cheesecake sucked.

You’re thinking, I cannot believe I spent this much on something so unbelievably average, so incredibly uneventful.

And this describes my feelings about the Stephanie Meyer Twilight series.

I know I’m possibly subjecting myself to the rage of thousands of Cullen worshiping teenagers, and I’ll fully be expecting their version of a fatwa anytime now.

Like, totally, you’re, like, going to die. And, like, it’s going to be, like, by stoning. In. The. Gap.

Before I die, stoned and in the Gap, I’d like to say I did read all of the books. Like the metaphorical cheesecake, I took every bite, hoping and praying that it would get better.

Four million pages later, I sat there mired (or is it meyered? heh) in disappointment.

OK, so, fast forward to last weekend, when I finally watched Twilight on DVD. Why DVD and not the theater? After letting that series suck up to twenty hours out of my life (that’s four months in “I don’t have kids” years), there was no way I was hiring a sitter so I could see it.

This movie marked the first time in my life that I found the movie to be far, far better than the book.

Like the book, teenager Bella Swans finds herself awkwardly trying to navigate high school and connect with a generally estranged father with whose home she’s just moved in to at the po’dunk town of Forks. It rains about 355 days of the year in the Forks, there’s very little sunshine, and the nearest mall is about an hour away.

Already a teenage horror story.

Lucky for Bella, high school isn’t going to be a total drag because the guy who sits next to her in Biology is not only mysterious and handsome, but is also a vampire.

Like, oh my God, that is so hot.

The movie is visually beautiful, with lots of (wait for it, this is going to be where I get technical) blueish hues tinting up the screen. Everything is dark, melancholy and sad, as it should be when a brooding vampire is involved with a morose teenager.

The chemistry between Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart plays nicely and accurately reflects that fine balance between the awkwardness and intensity of adolescent romance. And, really, this relationship and its tension is the heart of what drives the movie forward. (Read "chick flick").

Of course, the description of Pattison’s character, Edward Cullen, in the novel suggests that he possesses a beauty that is stunningly surreal. While I would have drooled over Robert Pattison every single day of my teenage existence, he’s a far cry from surreal or even beautiful.

Aside from this minor casting issue, the movie was well acted, well cast and each character more than adequately reflected the pictures of them I had formed in my mind while being subjected to, er, uh, reading the novel.

So, the movie? I would watch it again, but, mostly, because I love vampires.

Especially the kind that brood about women they can never, ever actually have.

And, now, off to the Gap for my stoning.

** The author of this post wishes to acknowledge that her analysis of any male vampire is irrevocably skewed by her deep and eternal love for Angel of the Joss Whedon series. Because I love him. Forever. And Edward Cullen? Is. No. Angel.

*** So, I know in nerd world, I'm supposed to talk about all the "features" on the DVD, but I didn't watch the DVD with the purposes of reviewing it. So, just deal. Next time, my nerdy friends, next time.


B.E. Earl said...

So you actually kinda liked it, right? Why would they stone you? In. The. Gap.

I don't think I will partake in this one. Unless it becomes available to watch instantly on NetFlix. And even then only if I am stupid drunk.

I'm kinda done with sensitive vampires. Anne Rice had a lot to do with that. Fuck Anne Rice!

Faiqa said...

They'd stone me because I don't like the books. I think I'm with you on the Anne Rice. Even Anne Rice got sick of Anne Rice and became a fundamentalist Christian, right?

B.E. Earl said...

That's true. And I didn't even mention sensitive Angel, because sensitive, brooding Angel was my least favorite Angel. I preferred silly, dancing, funny Angel or Angelus, of course. And Spike was pretty much a dick even when he was in love with Buffy. So that was cool.

Mr. Poopie said...

I think you're a fucking nut job. That movie was a piece of putrid flaming shit. Acting was horrible, casting was worse, and the action at the end was horridly unbelievable and horrendously anticlimactic. Not a fanatic, didn't like the first book, but the others became progressively better. The movie missed the mark entirely.

*and for the record, Sarah Lee's pound cake is the shit. But not the putrid flaming kind.

Avitable said...

I liked the movie and the way that the director filled in the over-verbiage of the author with dialogue-free scenes. The books needed more quiet, and the movies gave that to us.

i am the diva said...

So, i read stoned in the gap and assumed they were throwing rocks at your HooHah, not throwing rocks at you in The Gap. hm

Anne Rice ruined vampires for me for awhile - stupid whiney bitch Louis... then i read the Twilight series while my son was in the hospital and got a little chick boner for Edward Cullen (Who was WAYYYY hotter in my mind than on film)... and then i saw...

TRUE BLOOD!! all the sexiness and tension of Twilight, but without that Mormon-Waiting-Till-Marriage BS that Meyer threw in there, as if a vampire cares about getting married first... True Blood gave me what i really wanted, which was, apparently lots more f*cking. Yeah.

Oh Bill. SO sexy. i'd totally let him bite me.

B.E. Earl said...

Poopie - s'okay to disagree but let's hold off on the "fucking nutjob" comments. Deal?

Faiqa said...

@Mr. Poopie:
Something comforting about being called a nutjob by someone named Mr. Poopie who thinks Sara Lee frozen poundcake is the shit...

Yeah. I agree. And thanks for boiling down a 500 word post to five. Jerk.

@i am the diva:
In the Hooha? Ouch. I need to watch True Blood, it looks really good... have to check if the DVD's are out yet...

B.E. Earl said...

Faiqa - speaking of vampires, I just watched the Swedish vampire flick "Let the Right One In" last night. One word. Fan-fucking-tastic!

It's definitely a "romance", but easily the most original vampire flick I have seen in a very long time. I can't stop thinking about it.

Sheila said...

I loved the books - I hated the movie, the first time I watched it. I wound up seeing it twice in the theaters (taking the kiddos to see it) and liked it better.

I think the girl who played Jessica is the worst actress I've ever seen.

But I love you anyway Faiqa.

Finn said...

You lost me at "Twilight." Is it possible to have less than zero interest in something. I only came here because someone said there'd be cheesecake.

Hilly said...

Sarah Lee cheesecake is the most wretched food on the planet (well okay, second most).

I liked the books and the movies however I have this amazing little button that allows me to turn off my "critic mode" and just enjoy things. Without that button, I agree that it would be hard to love the Twilight for sure.

Libragirl said...

I hated the books - the movie - I didn't like but didn't hate. worth the 5$ I paid to see it.
and even though I hated the books will still go see the other movies.
It reminded me of those old Calvin Klien Obsession commercials, you know - where they say word and phrases and it's quick shots...that is the scene in the forest

say it
out loud

Faiqa said...

Swedish? Are you referring a PORN MOVIE to me?!!
Heh. You know that saying "opposites attract"? I think that applies to us.

I'm envious of the time you haven't wasted.

I tried and tried to turn that button off, but... alas, I'm a literature snob through and through.
Except Harry Potter... which I still assert is literary genius.

Obsession commercial!!
OMG!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That was genius.

hello haha narf said...

i enjoyed the books. a lot. but there are not words to describe how disappointed i was with the movie. it could not compare to my imagination.

i plan on giving it a second chance, though. dammit, i want to like this movie as much as i liked the books.

SciFi Dad said...

Buffy is the only teenage girl who loves a vampire.

Everyone else is just deluding themselves.

Poppy said...

*giggle* so true. Such a good comparison at the start.

FAIQA! I didn't know you were writing here!!! Apparently I don't pay attention.

Sheila said...

I have dibs on MC Skat Kat's lines!

You can be Paula Abdul. Lucky for you this song is from before she turned all crack headed.

Faiqa said...

@hello ha ha narf:
Huh. I feel exactly the opposite... like the books did not leave enough to the imagination... there were so many ...words. :)

@SciFi Dad: EXACTLY!! All others are just sad imitations. Or imitations that make me sad.

It's my first post. Your attention's reputation remains intact.

God, I hate that song. And Paula Abdul. And crack. Sometimes.

B.E. Earl said...

So I finally invited someone who brings some traffic here.

Faiqa = gold. Gold, Jerry!

(Still, no one reads my posts though. Sad clown)

Poppy said...

BEE-bzzt, your reverse psychology has worked. The next time I get a free hour I will read as many posts as fit in that hour. My next scheduled free hour is 2046. :)

(Kidding! I will make more of an effort to read YOUR posts too!)

sybil law said...

So completely uninterested in anything Twilight.
I maintain that Sara Lee FRENCH cheesecake is awesome. It's all creamy, fattening goodness. Otherwise, Sara Lee sucks.
This was an excellent review that made me not want to read the Twilight books OR see the movie even more.

Mr. Poopie said...

Of course I meant that in a totally respectable and endearing way. I apologize if I have offended thee. I'll stick to stoning hoo-ha's . . . .

Faiqa said...

@B.E. Earl: Did you say you were going to buy me gold? Sweeet! I always read your posts, btw.

@sybil law: "That made me not want to see..." Hahaha!!

@Mr. Poopie: I wasn't offended... but thanks. (Personally, I think all that talk of Edward Cullen made BE want to act all hero like...) :)

Slyde said...

my wife is currently obsessed with these books...

she is having a blu-ray twilight viewing party tomorrow night at my house with her friends..

i will NOT be home.

Bina said...

I have to be honest with people. I loved the first book. The second was probably just as good, and then they got worse. I was excited about the movie but was so dissapointed. It was just boring!!!! Maybe I was tired. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to watch it. But I sure hope #2 is much better than the first.