Boy Eats Girl

I'm noticing a pattern. Many of the worst movies around have titles that are a small step away from being a porno movie. Well, this one isn't just a small step, it could easily be a porno title.

Sadly, it's not a good movie. The reasons for this are legion. It's a zombie movie, or a Zom-Rom-Com, if you will. Except it's very light on the 'Com', the 'Rom', though there is plenty of 'Zom' it's all shite.

Normally, I would champion a low-budget horror movie. Often, their only limitation is budget, so horror filmmakers have to use plenty of creativity to get a vision across on screen. And the viewer often has to use lots of imagination, too. But with Boy Eats Girl, there's no inclination to use your imagination, because if you do you'll be engaging with the movie on some level, and that's impossible.

Okay, the story. I know, I know. I'm just too negative. Right, Irish lad likes Irish girl. They go to the same school. He thinks they're getting together one night, her dad stops her going out, he waits, thinks he's been stood up. Goes home and gets drunk, and in an utterly inexplicable move, puts a noose round his neck because he has one handy. Mum walks in, knocks the chair over and kills her son.

Luckily, mum stumbled across an ancient voodoo tome at the local church. Yes, really. She uses the book to bring her son back from the dead, and he appears to be fine until the dance that night, when he decides to take a bite out of a classmate who's kicking the shit out of him. Classmate becomes a zombie too, and the rest is history. Zombies spread like wildfire, cheap effects abound, and our hero eventually is saved and gets the girl.

The girl is part of the problem. I've never been quite sure of why I have heard of Samantha Mumba, but I have. She made some music back in the day, and appeared in minor roles in a couple of films… But that's all. And this? Hardly a career progression, luv. She acts without expression or feeling of any kind, and I still have no idea why blokey is so fixated upon her in this film. There's far cuter – and more expressive – girls at his school.

There are a couple of decent performances in this, but they're bit-parts.

How do you fuck up a zombie film? I mean really? It's so damn simple, but this movie is what it looks like. A shite film with a shite title. Devoid of wit, imagination and anything positive. Avoid.