The Butterfly Effect 2

I wonder sometimes at the sanity of studios. See, I would have to wonder who thought The Butterfly Effect warranted a sequel. The first movie was fucking awful and made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I remember my girlfriend at the time loved it, it was her favourite film. She insisted I watch it with her, despite my reservations. I watched it then took it apart, pointed out why it was utter nonsense and she then sulked for the rest of the evening. But then, she was pretty fucking sulky, so bollocks to her.

So some cunt thought it would be a good idea to make a sequel…

First things first, this is only 76 minutes long. The DVD case will say the running time is 10 minutes longer, but that is ALL credits. This movie has the longest end credits I've seen in years, and for no good reason; they're just indulgent and really really slow. Why? To pad out the running time, of course.

I'm not kidding when I say this story could have been told in 45 minutes. I've never seen so much plot filler in my life. Two completely superfluous sex scenes (in one, the main man's wife keeps her bra on – is that for certification or for herself? If for herself, why the fuck would you accept a role where one character has sex with another? Ami I being naive?), a shit-awful story and so-so acting – except the main man, who is largely pretty good.

Story: blokey and friends are in a car accident, and everyone dies or something. Except him. His girfriend dies, anyway. A year later, he discovers he can travel back to certain points in time by looking at a photograph and making the camera go all jiggly, and picking his nose until it bleeds. When back in time, he can change events and thus, change their future. When he comes back and his nose is bleeding, events in the present are altered.

This way, he brings his girlie back, gets himself promoted and has sex in the lavs of a restaurant. Yay. He also owns a BMW in this future – a dead giveaway, I would have thought, that he has become a complete cunt after changing these past events. And guess what? In the BMW future, he is indeed a cunt!

I don't even know if this 'review' is making sense. Maybe it's best that it doesn't, because the movie sure as bananas doesn't. It's just so fucking shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Could have been an interesting Twilight Zone episode or something, but not dragged out to a movie.

Fuck this, rent Severance or something equally amusing instead.

Boy Eats Girl

I'm noticing a pattern. Many of the worst movies around have titles that are a small step away from being a porno movie. Well, this one isn't just a small step, it could easily be a porno title.

Sadly, it's not a good movie. The reasons for this are legion. It's a zombie movie, or a Zom-Rom-Com, if you will. Except it's very light on the 'Com', the 'Rom', though there is plenty of 'Zom' it's all shite.

Normally, I would champion a low-budget horror movie. Often, their only limitation is budget, so horror filmmakers have to use plenty of creativity to get a vision across on screen. And the viewer often has to use lots of imagination, too. But with Boy Eats Girl, there's no inclination to use your imagination, because if you do you'll be engaging with the movie on some level, and that's impossible.

Okay, the story. I know, I know. I'm just too negative. Right, Irish lad likes Irish girl. They go to the same school. He thinks they're getting together one night, her dad stops her going out, he waits, thinks he's been stood up. Goes home and gets drunk, and in an utterly inexplicable move, puts a noose round his neck because he has one handy. Mum walks in, knocks the chair over and kills her son.

Luckily, mum stumbled across an ancient voodoo tome at the local church. Yes, really. She uses the book to bring her son back from the dead, and he appears to be fine until the dance that night, when he decides to take a bite out of a classmate who's kicking the shit out of him. Classmate becomes a zombie too, and the rest is history. Zombies spread like wildfire, cheap effects abound, and our hero eventually is saved and gets the girl.

The girl is part of the problem. I've never been quite sure of why I have heard of Samantha Mumba, but I have. She made some music back in the day, and appeared in minor roles in a couple of films… But that's all. And this? Hardly a career progression, luv. She acts without expression or feeling of any kind, and I still have no idea why blokey is so fixated upon her in this film. There's far cuter – and more expressive – girls at his school.

There are a couple of decent performances in this, but they're bit-parts.

How do you fuck up a zombie film? I mean really? It's so damn simple, but this movie is what it looks like. A shite film with a shite title. Devoid of wit, imagination and anything positive. Avoid.

Renegade

I love movies with names like this. RENEGADE! Sounds impressive, right? It was actually originally released under the name Blueberry (after the main character, Mike Blueberry), which is not nearly as macho as RENEGADE! Typing it all in capitals helps. Also when you read it you should say it in your mind like you are the announcer at a monster truck show. Now showing....RENEGADE! Oooh...even better with large type!

OK, enough about the name. Here are some reasons why I should have loved this film:

1. It's a Western. I love Westerns. The sight of a man in chaps riding a, er, um....did I just make this too personal?
2. It's a comic-book adaptation. I love comic-book adaptation. Except comic-book adaptations of Jean Gerard's work. He goes by the name of "Moebius" for you comic-book buffs out there (Slyde), and I've always had a problem with that. I mean if you can pick a name that is more effete or condescending than Jean Gerard, it would have to be Moebius. Besides, as Quentin Tarantino and Crimson Tide taught us, the Jack Kirby Silver Surfer is the only real Silver Surfer and the Moebius Silver Surfer is shit.
3. An incredible international cast: Vincent Cassel (Le Pacte des Loups), Djimon Hounsou (Amistad), Eddie Izzard (funniest man alive), Temuera Morrison (Once Were Warriors) and Michael Madsen. Now normally, I would gladly spend 2 hours watching ANY of these guys read from a phone book, but...
4. A completely naked and spread-eagled sequence of Juliette Lewis underwater. OK, I take that back...it was totally unnecessary. Lot a fur, people...lot o' fur.

And now for the reasons why I didn't love this movie:

1. It sucked.

Tres, tres disappointing. The whole film is told in flashback from the point of view of a man on a bad peyote (or ayahuesca) trip. And it was filmed just like that. The third act was almost unwatchable, and yet I did it for you, oh my readers and only friends. The mystical drug trip sequences were something straight out of H.P. Lovecraft. The words "eldritch" and "cosmic horror" kept creeping into my subconscious. And it was boring. Just really, really fucking dull.

Almost all of the talent in the film was entirely wasted. Vincent Cassel was just fine in the lead role. He was channeling a bit of Clint Eastwood as a Cajun-raised US Marshall keeping the peace between the town folk and the neighboring Native American tribe. Temuera Morrison was especially good as his best friend and guide to the spirit world. And Michael Madsen always lends a gleeful joy to his villainous roles. But Hounsou, Izzard and the rest of the cast were not given anything at all that they could work with.

So I can only recommend this turd if you really like confusing, dull, drug-fueled and kaleidoscope-like dream sequences. Or if you just miss having them on your own from back in the day.