Saturday, 8 September 2007

Superman Returns

Let me start off by saying that despite my love of all things comic-book related, I hate Superman.

I fucking hate him! The character doesn't make any sense to me. His alter-ego, Clark Kent, makes no sense to me. How the hell are we supposed to believe that intelligent people can't see through a pair of glasses and a different hair style as a disguise? He is a boring, do-good superhero with ridiculously powerful abilities. Abilities that really can't be overcome unless one wields kryptonite. And one always seems to wield kryptonite. But my biggest problem with the character is his ability to fly.

Hawkman can fly, but he has a costume and some kind of "ninth metal" that defies gravity which allows him to do so. Angel of the X-Men can fly, but he was born with wings. Iron Man can fly, but he uses rockets and his costume to do so. All fairly weak reasons, but at least they are reasons. Superman can fly because, er, well...our sun is yellow.

Huh?

Super strength? Fine. Speed? Check. Invulnerability? Sure. Freezing breath? Stupid, but why not. But flight? No way! At least give me a reason besides "uh, well...he flies", fer crissakes! Okay...I'm done. Onto the film.

It sucked.

The story takes place a number of years after Superman (and Clark Kent, by the way. Hmmm?) has disappeared to find his home planet of Krypton. He comes back...blah blah blah. Lois is married with a kid...blah blah blah. Lex Luthor is planning world domination...blah blah blah. Who fucking cares? The plot is stupid. Superman is ridiculously powerful so they can't find an villain for him to "fight", so they pull the old evil genius trick out of the book. One they have used a million times. And he uses kryptonite to weaken Supes! Genius! How do they keep coming up with these things?

Let's talk about casting. Brandon Routh is fine. I mean they were just casting a face and body type, so the acting part of it was totally secondary. But Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane? Five or six years after the last time we saw her when Superman defeated General Zod? 23-year old Kate Bosworth playing someone who should be in her mid-30's? Gimme a fucking break! And why the hell would Superman, or anyone for that matter, want to bang her bony ass? Someone needs to give that poor girl a sandwich.

And I glad to see that the Lex Luthor/Kitty (Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey) dynamic hasn't changed all that much since Gene Hackman and Valerie Perrine played those characters in the 70's. Okay, Perrine played Eve, but the character was the same. Why would an evil genius like Luthor put up with such an inane bitch?

James Marsden plays Lois Lane's love interest, well besides her super-lust for Superman. It looks like he is stuck in a rut playing characters in comic-book adaptations whose wife/girlfriend gets the hots for a cooler guy. Must suck being James Marsden.

So if you want to see a film with a more-than-obvious plot, actors sleep-walking their way through their roles, and one in which Superman fights, er, well no one...then Superman Returns is for you. Oh, and good luck with the Special Olympics. I'm rooting for ya, buddy!

4 comments:

badgerdaddy said...

In its defence, I will say that the aeroplane/shuttle bit was really well done, and the physics of it were really clever. Sadly, that was exactly the same only-good-thing I could say about T3 - incredibly clever stunts, but fuck-all else.

On the nose, Earl.

Slyde said...

i agree for the most part.. bosworth was wrong for the file, and i thought the shuttle part was awesome..... i guess ididnt hate it quite as much as you did...

btw, i just might be ready to begin grenading some films, but my invite has expired... one of you big wigs need to fix that...

i am the diva said...

i fell asleep in this movie, in the theatre. the only goodness that came out of it was the fact that i could stare for hours at hunky brandon. that's right,... i said hunky.

but i've always had a problem with Superman, for the same reasons you stated. i mean, c'mon... who's that thick that they wouldn't notice that clark took his glasses off? the daily planet is run by fools.

Possibly, the only other character who is as lame - or MORE lame - is Mister Fantastic. Seriously?? Stretch powers?? that has to be the lamest power of all time, at least the Human Torch could 'flame on' (he he he, that phrase makes me giggle every time) and whatserface can make herself invisible and use forcefields and stuff. but stretch??

"oh No! Someone's robbing the bank... stop him stretchy man!"

For the Record, Fantastic Four - Most awful movie of all time... and the Silver Surfer?? even worse... i wanted to see Evan Almighty (which i mean, not best quality film around but at least steve carrell makes me laugh) but nooo..... everyone else wanted to see the Silver Pooper. sigh.

Oh, and Earl, you never comment on MY other blogs... commencing Guilt Trip Sequence in Five....Four...Three...Two...One...

Whaaaa :(

B.E. Earl said...

Diva - thanks for the drive-by. I agree with you on the FF movies, but I always kinda dug Mr. Fantastic.

Weird sidenote: In some circles, his counterpart in the DC Universe, Plastic Man, is considered to be one of the most powerful superheroes ever written.

His powers are "Can stretch and shape his highly resilient body into any shape he can imagine, even ones with moving parts. Immune to telepathy. Possible immortality."

Wow...that's saying something.

Oh, and you have other blogs?