Friday, 21 September 2007

Snakes on a Plane

Hi there, MovieGrenaders! Slyde here, finally getting his lazy ass in gear and writing my inaugural post here on the (soon to be) ultimate movie review site.

Part of the reason that it took so long for me to post is, because since I haven’t watched too many movies lately, I therefore haven’t watched too many SHITTY movies lately, which kind of doesn’t leave me a lot to write here about, does it. Of course, another reason why I haven’t posted yet is because, as I already implied, I’m a lazy bastard.

But none of that is really here nor there, since me being lazy isn’t the reason I am posting.

No, I am here to talk about the god-awful mess of movie that was Snakes On A Plane.

Two years ago, when the net first caught buzz of this then-soon-to-be-released turd, bloggers went absolutely ape-shit with how fucking cool this movie was going to be. As information and small snippets of the film were leaked to the press, the blogging community collectively shit their pants at how fucking rad this movie was DESTINED to be. The momentum on the web kept building and building right up until a few months before release, when the word from the studio went out to report that the principal cast was rushed back into the studio to “re-shoot some scenes to make them even MORE violent”. That pretty much sent the movie-loving geek community into a collective orgasm.

I must confess that I WAS one of the aforementioned geeks who was dying to see this film.

Mind you, I KNEW it was going to suck. We all KNEW it. No movie with a title like Snakes on a Plane could be anything other than bad, but we all hoped it would be one of those “It’s so bad it’s really good” movies that we all love (but don’t admit to).

Unfortunately, this movie fell under the category of “It’s so bad, that it just sucks”.

I really found nothing redeeming, or at least funny, about this movie.

First off, all the deaths were pretty fucking stupid:

Snakes kill a couple who are fucking in the bathroom, by biting the girl’s breasts.

Then another guy is taking a leak in another loo when a snake swims up to bite his hog.

Another snake then squirms up the dress of a fat girl sleeping in her seat, to bite her in the eye.

Then the deaths REALLY start to get stupid.

It just goes downhill from there. Plus if I see ONE more bad Samuel Jackson movie where he continues to pretend to be a bad-ass in a movie that just sucks, I might just kill someone. Mr. Jackson, you haven’t made a movie where you were a REAL bad mutha-fucka since Pulp Fiction, and you probably never will again.

The final capper for me on why this movie needs a grenade: The stereotypes! Pretty much everyone on the plane is a stereotype of some form or another. The prissy rich girl who keeps a little dog in her purse, the arrogant hip-hop star who needs to get back in touch with his “real” side, the Asian kick-boxer who boards the plane in a tank top showing off his biceps (I’m not fucking making this shit up!). The list goes on and on.

At one point I was just expecting EVERY fucking stereotype imaginable to show up on the plane. Chinese guy in komono pulling a rickshaw; Ski-parka Eskimo complete with whale harpoon, shifty-eyed gangster in black pin-stripe suit fiddling with a violin case......

You get the idea.

Do yourselves a solid, and give this fucker a pass.


Slyde said...

Holy shit, i actually posted this correctly!

Take that, world! I am officially an Eblogger whore!

B.E. Earl said...

Wow! Welcome to our world, beeayatch!

By the way, nice use of the word "fuck" and it's variations in your review. Seemed reasonable for a Sam Jackson vehicle.

Well done.

badgerdaddy said...

I've been pondering renting certain classics like Snakes on a Train, a straight-to-DVD, undoubted piece of shit, but so far have managed to resist... And I've not seen this one either. I figure it can wait, perhaps until my deathbed, when I may be too weak to work the remote control.

Slyde said...

ive heard about snakes on a train...

thankfully, my willpower has held me from trying to get a copy of it (yet)....

B.E. Earl said...

Snakes on a Train? WTF!