Friday, 10 August 2007


OK, this is a movie that I really, really wanted to like. It's got violence (of the ultra kind), vampires and a very sexy Milla Jovovich (My "v" button almost didn't make it through that sentence). What's not to lovvvve?

To date, I have tried to watch this un-watchable piece o' crap 3 or 4 times. I've never made it to the end. It's just so damn confusing. I've read on IMDB that the original version was over a half-hour longer, and maybe they cut some of the more important plot points in favor of the stylized violence that drives much of the movie. Dunno. All I do know is that a simple action flick like this shouldn't be that demanding.

Here's the plot in brief: It's sometime in the future. A virus has turned a portion of the population into Hemophages - vampire-like beings with enhanced strength, speed and intelligence. Their is a war going on between the humans and the 'phages. A woman (Jovovich) who is infected with the virus is sent on a mission to steal/destroy a weapon that the humans have developed to destroy all the 'phages. The weapon turns out to be a young boy who has anti-bodies in his system that can and will destroy all the hemophages. Silliness ensues! Phew...that wasn't easy.

The acting is awful, even with the presence of the lovely Ms. Jovovich. Let's face it...she's not much of an actress, but she is good on the old ocular lenses. There are some roles ably played out by character actors such as Nick Chinlund and William Fichtner, but even they can't save this movie grenade.

The action is mind-numbing. They often speed up and slow down the action ala The Matrix, because that's pretty hot right now...or was a few years ago. And it looks like the whole film was an excuse to play with special effects and blue-screen technology. Violet kept changing the color of her hair, nails, and outfits for no apparent reason than that the filmmakers could do it. Mission accomplished, douchebags! Next time give us a story and some dialogue to, er, sink our teeth into. Those of us with possessing more than a 3rd grade education appreciate it.

I would totally spoil the ending for you right now, but as I state above, I haven't quite gotten through this dud. Hopefully, I never will.


Caro said...

"Sink our teeth into", very punny.

Caro said...

My piece of shit movie to watch this week was Children of Men. Oh lord, what was I thinking?

badgerdaddy said...

Children of Men is excellent!! Loved that movie, it was great fun. Not perfect by any means, but very, very good.


And Earl - have you seen the BBC TV series Ultraviolet is 'based' on? Track it down, it's absolutely superb, one of the best vampire-based things I've seen, on TV or otherwise. Also launched Jack Davenport's career. Seriously, buy it - I'm certain you'll like it.

B.E. Earl said...

caro - haven't seen Children of Men, but I've heard great things. Didn't like it, eh?

badger - really? Because the movie was shit!

badgerdaddy said...

Seriously Earl, there are NO similarities. Apparently a reasonably faithful movie was planned, but it was hijacked and became a vehicle for MJ. Sickening, as the source material is outstanding.
Check it out.

Caro said...

Badgerdaddy - Maybe you understood it. I just didn't get it.

It could have been the accents. LOL