Seven Pounds... of Boring

This weekend, I watched Seven Pounds.

I thought I’d start with an impromptu review of the movie in real time.

Ready? Here we go:

00:00:15
They just started the movie by telling me what happens at the end. Hate that.


00:02:07
OK. Will Smith. Dripping wet. Shirt. Is. Off. This film has promise.

00:02:09
Annd he put his shirt back on. Crushing disappointment ensues.

00:07:23
Is that Woody Harrelson? I don’t remember him having bad teeth.

00:13:31
Hey! That’s the cute thug guy from Barbershop. I hope they show more of him.

00:19:45
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I'm officially interested in this movie.

00:22:52
The first and only time Will Smith smiles in this movie.

00:35:50
A jellyfish? WTF?

00:44:50
Quote, “You’re a good man even when you don’t know people are watching you.”

00:53:19
Dying or not, I would never call a guy first. Just saying.

1:20:00
OK. Now I know what he’s up to. But, why, man, why?!!

1:32:03
So bored. Where is that hottie from Barbershop?

1:45:30
Could have done without the last 30 minutes of this movie. I'm officially uninterested.

1:46:00
I will never, ever text message while driving. Ever. Ever. Again.

1:57:02
Too hormonal ... Oh my God, he hugged her. [Indistinct pregnant woman blubber].

2:02:52
TWO HOURS?! Bastards. I feel violated.

...

I know, right? It was like being there. Now, get your feet off of my coffee table.

By the way, did I mention that I’m a member of a small group of women known as the Society of Women Who Are Completely Annoyed By Sappy Love Story Movies (you may know us as SWWACABSLSM)?

While we’re not known for our talent for coming up with short names for societies, we are global.

Seven Pounds is about the internal struggle of a man attempting to fulfill a self imposed need for redemption. The tension, then, rests not on events that are happening in the film, but upon the emotional tension created within the film’s main character.

In other words, this movie could not have been any slower unless it had been a two hour shot of a Will Smith drinking a cup of decaf coffee at Starbucks.

Even the brilliant, talented and exceedingly hot Will Smith could not erase the feeling that the studio that made this movie has unfairly sucked two precious hours out of my life that I will never get back.

The Seven Pounds DVD has a ton of special features, including a director’s commentary, “Seven Views on Seven Pounds” (where everyone but the caterers discuss the making of the movie), “Creating the Perfect Ensemble” (narrated by the casting director) and some deleted scenes.

I didn’t bother to watch any of these because, frankly, I found the movie boring and slightly irritating.

And the last thing I want to do is watch a feature on the making of boring and slightly irritating.

And, finally, out of respect for those who hate spoilers, I'll be brief and cryptic.

With respect to the overall plot, I'm not a big fan of guilt or self flagellation. No matter how awful the consequences of your actions might be, a simple and sincere "sorry" on the part of the main character might have sufficed. There's no reason to go overboard.

:: Now waiting for Will Smith's apology... or, at the very least, a showing of guilt ::

So, I won't hold my breath.

Twilight

Ever gone to a high end restaurant, had a lovely meal and decide to order the $25 cheesecake?

OK, good, so we’re all on the same page about this.

The $25 cheesecake gets to your table, you take a bite and, suddenly, you realize that you’ve been had. Because the $25 cheesecake? Tastes like frozen Sara Lee nastiness.

You keep eating, hoping, praying that somewhere, somehow, you’re going to hit that $25 bite.

No way, though. It’s over. The cheesecake sucked.

You’re thinking, I cannot believe I spent this much on something so unbelievably average, so incredibly uneventful.

And this describes my feelings about the Stephanie Meyer Twilight series.

I know I’m possibly subjecting myself to the rage of thousands of Cullen worshiping teenagers, and I’ll fully be expecting their version of a fatwa anytime now.

Like, totally, you’re, like, going to die. And, like, it’s going to be, like, by stoning. In. The. Gap.

Before I die, stoned and in the Gap, I’d like to say I did read all of the books. Like the metaphorical cheesecake, I took every bite, hoping and praying that it would get better.

Four million pages later, I sat there mired (or is it meyered? heh) in disappointment.

OK, so, fast forward to last weekend, when I finally watched Twilight on DVD. Why DVD and not the theater? After letting that series suck up to twenty hours out of my life (that’s four months in “I don’t have kids” years), there was no way I was hiring a sitter so I could see it.

This movie marked the first time in my life that I found the movie to be far, far better than the book.

Like the book, teenager Bella Swans finds herself awkwardly trying to navigate high school and connect with a generally estranged father with whose home she’s just moved in to at the po’dunk town of Forks. It rains about 355 days of the year in the Forks, there’s very little sunshine, and the nearest mall is about an hour away.

Already a teenage horror story.

Lucky for Bella, high school isn’t going to be a total drag because the guy who sits next to her in Biology is not only mysterious and handsome, but is also a vampire.

Like, oh my God, that is so hot.

The movie is visually beautiful, with lots of (wait for it, this is going to be where I get technical) blueish hues tinting up the screen. Everything is dark, melancholy and sad, as it should be when a brooding vampire is involved with a morose teenager.

The chemistry between Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart plays nicely and accurately reflects that fine balance between the awkwardness and intensity of adolescent romance. And, really, this relationship and its tension is the heart of what drives the movie forward. (Read "chick flick").

Of course, the description of Pattison’s character, Edward Cullen, in the novel suggests that he possesses a beauty that is stunningly surreal. While I would have drooled over Robert Pattison every single day of my teenage existence, he’s a far cry from surreal or even beautiful.

Aside from this minor casting issue, the movie was well acted, well cast and each character more than adequately reflected the pictures of them I had formed in my mind while being subjected to, er, uh, reading the novel.

So, the movie? I would watch it again, but, mostly, because I love vampires.

Especially the kind that brood about women they can never, ever actually have.

And, now, off to the Gap for my stoning.

** The author of this post wishes to acknowledge that her analysis of any male vampire is irrevocably skewed by her deep and eternal love for Angel of the Joss Whedon series. Because I love him. Forever. And Edward Cullen? Is. No. Angel.

*** So, I know in nerd world, I'm supposed to talk about all the "features" on the DVD, but I didn't watch the DVD with the purposes of reviewing it. So, just deal. Next time, my nerdy friends, next time.